Blubber Technology

Dear Benjamin:

You are my sojourner. By the time you are 18 months old, you shall have already lived in three states. That’s mighty impressive. I can’t wait for acts two and three.

Did I tell you I got one of those cool body composition monitors for Christmas? A body composition monitor is a snooty name for a scale that weighs one’s body as well as passing a low-level electrical signal up through the body that measures the percentage of body fat, the percentage of body water, total weight of bones and calculates the calories required to maintain one’s present weight.

Who needs that? Nobody. If one can see additional holes on one’s belt to the right of the wear-mark one is making progress in fat reduction. Right? Still, I asked Santa for the monitor because I want to develop my inner geek and cultivate a reputation as someone to be reckoned techno-literate. After all, these monitors need to be programmed.

The monitor now knows that I am 5’7.5” tall and I’m a 63-years-old male that is not an athlete but gets a moderate amount of exercise.

Yesterday morning four hours after my breakfast of twigs and berries… It said I weigh 197.6lbs, my percentage of body fat is 29.2, my body water is 49.6%, my bones weigh 7lbs. and it takes 3,305 kilocalories to run a physique like that.

Okay. How much does my fat weigh? My fat weighs 57.5992lbs. (197.6 X .292 = 57.5992). Fitness experts figure that I’m at the top of the “over fat” category. Eight more tenths of a percentage point and I’m officially by-God obese.* To get into the healthy category, my body fat percentage should be between 15 and 25. Twenty percent would be best. My fat needs to weigh a lot less.

But wait. As I proceed with strength training, I’ll add additional lean weight called “muscle mass” so I can’t tell you how much my fat should weigh when I reach the 20% goal.

The wild card in all this is the Total Body Water Percentage. You’ll recall that my number is 49.6%. This number fluctuates wildly during the day. Nonetheless, this number is at the bottom of the normal scale. Men should have a number between 50 and 65 according to my monitor’s manual. I don’t know anything about what my hydration should be and what my low number means. I do know that as this number rises, the fat percentage should lower. Huh?

One more thing …

On Super Tuesday I marched into an acupuncture storefront at 11:22 am and told Rhonda to put staples in my ears. I had a coupon for $10 off. The coupon was included with their newspaper ad that promised that the staples would not only cause me to eat less but would cure my smoking habit, relieve stress and eliminate headaches.

The staples were installed seconds later. After that, my appetite was ravenous, I had a four-hour headache, I was stressed out, I’m $60 poorer and I thought about taking up cigarettes again after 26 years.

Maybe it’ll work out but, for now, there is nothing but shame.


Much Love,

Poppy

* According to the manual, “obese” in German is “fettleibig”.