Heinous, Odious and Sucky

Dear Children:

The chance that this post will be, like, super boring and totally grotesque is for sure. See, the last few days have been, like way heinous, odious and sucky. I told you about the cold weather and the scandalous slow way my body reacted. In my entire life, I’ve never felt such a stupid, stupid feeling. So, I like ate a bunch of stuff for like, four whole days, didn’t even go to the gym or nothing. I just vegged and sat around.

Now I’m, like, super super fat and waddling everywhere and stuff. Whatever…

So, I finally got back to the gym today and (you know what?) I was up, like four and a half pounds from last week. How is that even possible, man? What does it even mean? I’ll tell you what it means: It means that I ate, like, a bajillion too many calories, right. Culvers makes this totally rad custard soft serve that is to die for. They’ve got vanilla and chocolate and loads of other flavors like peppermint swirl and stuff. You can also get it mixed up with candy bars that are crushed and such.

Don’t you dare say I’m starting over because I am not starting over. I am not starting over one little bit. It’s just a bump in the road of life and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Tomorrow is another day because yesterday’s gone. Yeah. Yesterday’s gone.

Besides, I was like bummed when I got to the gym and the ipod wasn’t putting out. I had to watch daytime TV on four plasma screens … we had ESPN, FOX News, The Price Is Right and CMT. It was nauseous, girl.

On ESPN was like endless Roger Clemens working out with some dork in his like humongous home gym. There was also a guy setting the forty-meter dash record, whatever that is. We saw that lots and lots. There were also tons and tons of Hooters commercials between tons and tons of shaving commercials. I’d like to hurl.

I had to read the crawl on FOX too. Get this … Hillary Clinton and Barack O’Bama are neck and neck. She’s the wife of the president in Washington and he’s this Arab guy from Kenyi, Hawaii. Why they want to neck on national television whizzes right by me. Geez.

The Price Is Right creeped me out. There were people on stage jumping and clapping or being sad because the price was right or the price wasn’t right. They should get a life or maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend or something.

Country Music Television got a laugh out of the old guy on the elliptical trainer next to me. He said Merle Haggard was finally aging into his name. Funny, I think. Anyway, he had me guess what the song was about when I could only see the video. In the whole hour I never guessed right once. I remember a girl dancing in prison, it was raining in this dude’s house and a total bottle blonde couldn’t stop crying. She had to stop, though because she was so, like, totally broken up. The old guy said she was crying because the dude in the beard puked his beer.

What’s so hard about getting MTV or VH1 anyway? Maybe they just get basic cable. That is so 20th century, I’m thinking.

Much Love,

Poppy